Friday Life's Personal Journal: Not My Fault

I think one of the hardest things in human nature can be to accept responsibility for one's actions.  It seems that none of us is ever to blame for the bad situations we find ourselves in.  There is always an excuse like, the other person made me do it, I couldn't help myself...It's not my fault. 

I'm not talking about the horrible situations where children or adults are victimized through no fault of there own.  Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people and it will always be that way.  I'm talking about the conflict that happens when humans choose to disagree.

I have watched my children as they have grown, and from a very young age, their natural tendency is to blame someone else.  Even a babbling toddler tattles by pointing a finger.  It doesn't matter that the little fellow yanked his sister's hair, the smack of the hand by the offended was not his fault.  As adults, we step in to teach the lesson that both children are at fault.  They teach it in school, church, tv etc., that it generally takes two to tango.  Sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't.  In the purest form, it's called honesty.

At what age do we forget that lesson, or, did we ever learn it.  I've had arguments with friends and family that had I acknowledged my roll sooner, the conflict would have ended much faster.  For me, there has been nothing worse than acknowledging and owning up to my roll in divorce.  It is a shattering event that infects all aspects of life.  I have spent most of the last five months reeling.  Trying to help my kids, while trying to help myself and trying to save a marriage leads to all the negative emotions of fear, anger, sadness, and depression.  It is so much easier to project that out on my former spouse, than to turn the microscope around.   The drops of blame explode and ripple out in waves of consequenses to everyone involved.

 I did turn the focus around.  Initially, it was most likely a desperate attempt to save my marriage.  But something happened and desperation turned into a desire to acknowledge my wrongs and faults and to purge my life of them.  With divine help, I have done that.  I looked at every negative thing I could think of from small, dumb lies to huge character flaws.  I have tried to address them all and seek forgiveness from above and those I've wronged.  Including, my ex husband because, 50% of the failure of my marriage is my fault.

I'm not going to be perfect on this earth.  It's an ongoing process and I make mistakes everyday.  But I keep moving forward.  That is, fix me first and be careful not to cast the first stone.  Not an hour goes by that I don't still have pain and sadness because of the divorce.  Hopefully that lessens with time.  But for the most part, I am at peace with myself.  It's much easier to forgive and love those who wrong you, when you've humbled yourself and been through the process first.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by.  And that has made all the difference."  Robert Frost