Monday Madness: Centipedes and Cockroaches

I've lived in Hawaii for about a year now and I love it.  I love being able to jump in the ocean in dive gear anytime I want, swim in a outdoor pool in mid-February without freezing and work daily on my future destiny of skin cancer.  Every picnic is an epic party of food, people are polite drivers (stunning, I know, right), and the aloha of the islands is addicting.  No one cares if I ever wear closed toed shoes or walk into Target in my pajamas.  Paradise it is for sure!

Ya move 20 yds down the shore

There aren't snakes here…or bears…or mountain lions stalking my kids.  Wild pigs are a little iffy, but for the most part on land there aren't large predators.

"What about the sharks!", everyone asks.  I reply, "What about them."  I love sharks.  Since I've been here I've seen White Tips, a super cool Blue shark on a black water dive, and even a close range encounter with a Tiger shark (witnessed the sand spray, my dive buddy scared it off).  In the Caribbean, I have seen Reef, Nurse and a Bull shark.  Does not even phase me.  Solid as a rock…no fear here.

But there is one creature so dastardly, so hideous, so frightening that I only dare whisper it's name.  Come closer…shhh….it's a Cceentipeede.  That's right, a centipede.  The most evil and vile creature ever created to afflict and torment man.  They grow to be 8-10 inches long (I know because I've pulled them out of the pool that big), with pincers that inspire horror movies, and a segmented body that moves and twists like a morbid caterpillar toy.

Once when I was sorting laundry, I bent down to grab the last couple of shirts and right out of the top  crawled a six inch one.  I screamed like a little girl and ran with the hamper outside where my son killed it after about 5 minutes…they just don't die.  There is nothing on this planet except centipedes that could get me to scream like that.  I have even had nightmares about them.

To write this post, I'm pretty sure I got hit by one.

There is a conspiracy I tell you though…a conspiracy, because (another whisper)…the cceentipeedes are in partnership with the cockroachesss.  You know, the cockroaches…they survive atomic blasts, inspire armored vehicles, worshipped by some cultures…cockroaches.  They can get into anything, flatten themselves like paper, camouflage like a chameleon, send signals back to the mother ship with those antennas…eerie...

I walked by the closet the other night to go to bed and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a three inch one moving up my dress.  Buggar!  I backed away slowly, got the broom and moved back in for the attack.  I swiped and missed, as it moved deeper into the closet…I couldn't find it.  I didn't sleep much that night knowing there was a Boone and Crockett cockroach hiding somewhere in the house.

Back to the conspiracy.  I've heard rumors that in a lab far to the south of Kona, the bugs have successfully created a mutant offspring called:  THE CENTIROACH!!!  The indestructible, evil spawn between centipede and cockroach that will threaten to take over the world!!  Don't say anything to anyone yet, the world wide panic would be nothing short of Armageddon.  I have notified the police department, secret service and restaurant health inspectors everywhere.  They have assured me they will look into it.   I promise…I will post pictures when I find them.

But in the meantime, on that perfect dream trip to Hawaii, amidst the beauty and aroma of the islands….don't forget to check the sheets……..Later Mates!