The "Ex" Factor

Why am  I getting a divorce?  I have no idea!  He was suppose to be the one that I was married to for eternity.  So what happened.  Twenty one years have gone by, so much living, so many memories...Christmases, birthdays, family vacations, photos...all of it so vivid as if it were yesterday.  I remember the day we were married, it was cold and bright in December.  We honeymooned in Jackson Hole, WY...so fun those cold nights spent in the hot tub.  Then off to Oregon it was for dental school.  Two of our children were born there.  We took trips to Cannon Beach on the coast, ate clam chowder at Moe's, and walked in the tide pools.  Next it was Flagstaff, AZ where we stayed for a year.  The Grand Canyon was close and Sedona AZ, all so fun for a young growing family. 

Our next home was Teton Valley where we would live for 15 years.  It was home in every way.  We had our other three children there.  It is a small area so we knew everyone.  Our dental practice was very successful and my husband became a fabulous dentist.  There was camping, and skiing, and small town USA: the place where the Fourth of July parade was the high light of the year.  So many school programs, dance recitals, chilly nights with beautiful snow storms and warm summer breezes blowing through aspens.  It is as real to remember it as it was then to experience it.  Of course there were problems but we were a family and a strong couple, we could handle anything. 

So the time of life changes and a move to Hawaii promised even more happiness and adventure.  I was feeling that my marriage was as strong as ever and that we were closer than ever.  That's why the announcement of divorce was such a shock.  I wanted to work it out and still do.  I love my husband and can't think of anyone else I would rather spend  forever with.  I told him I would not fight with him for the sake of the kids, that I wouldn't stop it but didn't agree at all with it.  I still don't but refused to fight.

Now, memories are tainted, dreams are shattered, hope is fleeting and the future is clouded.  My thoughts of longing for my marriage have turned to absolute devotion to my kids.  That's the way it will be and I have to move on.   I can find joy in very small things like coloring with my little girls, swimming for hours in the summer, and enjoying mac n cheese for dinner.  Twenty one years is a large gap to fill and I often wonder if I can do it but know that I have no choice.  The sun always comes up and always sets, days always pass.  Now it's up to me to determine a new path.  Shock turns to grief, grief turns to sadness, and sadness turns to acceptance...it is happening and I'm still living, hanging on tight, but living.